So as I said on my main page, I happen to be a trans person. This page exists because I'd love to document the process behind it for myself and others to read (back).
This part describes how I came to the conclusion that I am maybe transgender and what steps I took next to start with the process.
My egg started cracking somewhere in 2022, when someone yelled something at me that roughly translates to "Woah, you a fine young lady!"
I had feelings that I might not be what I seem from the outside for as long as I can remember, but always discarded them.
My "Covid cut" had gotten a bit out of hand and my hair had gotten pretty long, but from then on I decided to just keep it long, since I kind of enjoyed that interaction.
More "misgendering" happened over time and I grew more tolerant of "miss" while getting more intolerant for "mister".
Around this time I also started hating things about me. Most notably, my voice and the facial hair.
I felt like I had to act, but had no idea how, or where. I had a suspicion I had to go somewhere in the medical field, but how?
The last time I had been into contact with someone in a hospital was over 10 years ago and I don't think I've ever been into contact with my GP before.
So I set out to do my research. While doing my research, I did make a fresh Discord account to try my new identity on strangers.
It took me about half a year of researching (I like being as thorough as possible), before I found out where I had to go and what I had to do to get me there.
At that point, I just had to pick the right moment to start the action. My family is rather hostile, it seems, so I didn't want them to hear it.
Monday, 11 September 2023
So I dialed my general practitioner. On the first attempt, many people were waiting before me, so when it was almost my turn, the telephone exchange hung up on me.
Turns out it was the GP's lunch break. So I looked up the next call moment and I was the very first to ring them that time.
Going by others' experiences, I got lucky. Here's roughly how the call went:
Assistant: Hello, this is x from GP y's office.
Me: Hi this is (deadname). I would like a referral letter.
Assistant: Okay, what's the reason and where would you like to be referred to?
Me: I think I'm suffering from gender dysphoria and I would like to be referred to (practice).
Assistant: Alright. Do note the actual GP might want to talk with you about this. We'll call you back either way.
And that was the end of the call. A few hours later, I got a call.
Assistant: Hi your referral letter is ready to be picked up. We failed to submit it to the practice directly, so you'll have to mail it yourself.
So I went to pick up the letter and send it out. This was fairly uneventful. However it did take about a month for the practice to get back to me. In that time I thought the post had lost it, but they did eventually receive it.
Wednesday, 25 October 2023
My phone rang. They received my letter and they just needed my e-mail address for a questionnaire. I was SHAKING of excitement. Finally someone might be willing to listen to me.
So I filled out the questionnaire and returned it. And with that I got put on a 30-week waitlist.
Wednesday, 13 December 2023
A phone call? That was soon! The practice found some room in the schedule. So I have an appointment for December 21st of 2023!
Just had to fill out some more forms and accept the terms. I did nearly fall off my chair when I saw the prices...
Thursday, 21 December 2023
The intake was fairly uneventful.
We went over a few things, such as when the feelings started, the family situation, HRT and other treatments such as surgery and a load of private things I do not wish to publish to the internet.
The person I spoke to is going to set up a report for other people I will be speaking to in the future, as well as change the location I would need to go to.
For this intake, I had to travel 3 hours, one way. This could have been much shorter, given the appointment was only half an hour long…
But at least I got to see a bit of the country that I had never seen before.
As I’m writing this, a group of loud high school students are yelling through the ANC of my headphones… This really makes you appreciate the silent section of trains. Anyways, I’m getting off topic. So everything has been discussed and ideas have been formed. Now on to waiting for the treatment part to commence, but I doubt I will be waiting very long. And now I’m done writing this part, I will go stare out of the window again. I’m excited to see Rotterdam again. I don’t look forward to inhaling the terrible air though… Maybe I should move outside of the Randstad area whenever I can.
Got a call while I was at school. Again sooner than expected (30 weeks became 7 weeks, I think). I now have an appointment for the first consult after intake on February 8th of 2024, again on a Thursday. I did inform my study career coach about the appointment again, however this time I also mentioned that I am more than willing to explain these appointments if he's interested. In other words, I guess I will be coming out to him sooner than to my parents... But school seems to be the safer environment for that anyways...
This part goes over the consults I had with a psychologist pre-diagnosis. We had these about every two weeks.
Thursday, 8 February 2024
The first consult was similar to the intake. We went over a lot of introductory stuff and I got some homework: writing a life story.
I have never done this before so I had no idea how to do this and my writing skills are quite rusty. I will probably end up with 20 versions to pick from, but we'll see.
One thing that was different, is the location. Now I only had to travel for a little over an hour. This is much more manageable, especially since I need to go there every two weeks now.
I do hope this won't be too much of an issue with my parents, since I will need to come up with excuses for that... I'm leaning towards saying I have meetings for my group project in school.
Thursday, 22 February 2024
We went over my plan of treatment and any changes that needed to be made to it.
Basically it includes what my struggles and questions are as well as what I want (such as HRT, speech training, operations etc).
I also had to add a person to contact in emergencies. I hope that will never need to be used… After all the changes were made, I gave my thumbs up.
Next I had to tell my life story. It seemed a bit superficial but I was allowed to add any stuff that popped into mind and thanks to that I managed to make it a bit less superficial.
My dad got picked out of it and I was asked some stuff about him and mainly the relationship with him.
Then the question was asked “do you feel he loves you?”. I instantly answered yes, but for some reason my stupid head had to add “I think” to it.
Turns out I say “I think” a lot because they suggested a “I think” jar, like a swear jar.
From this I learnt I think too much where I should be feeling things. Not even two sentences later, the “I think” bomb dropped again.
I have decided that I am going to buy an “I think” jar, or keep count and make a digital “I think” jar and throw in a Euro every time I append this to my sentences.
I'm being serious here, I append way too many questioning things to my sentences. Not only “I think”, but also “I guess” or “probably”. This is something I must work on.
I got more tips though. One suggestion was to wear my hair differently. Currently I’m hiding behind it because I’m kind of afraid of others and their opinions.
Another was to get the pretty girlygirl to show a little more with the help of clothing and accessories. I will definitely be experimenting with that as much as I possibly can.
Closing off, I met a parent of a trans person in the same municipality as me. Good to know I’m not the only one there.
Thursday, 7 March 2024
We started off with a few questions about my expssion (eg my earrings and how I had my hair in a ponytail).
Based on what I said, they reassured me that it’s fine to be vulnerable with them, but also around others.
I guess it is kind of scary showing myself while I’m used to having a cloak to hide under.
Next I was asked to move seats so I could see the genderbread cookie one of the psychologists had drawn on the board. I got a bit of an explanation about this thing and you probably need that too. So it’s basically a graphic that shows where various aspects are, how you feel about these and where you want to see yourself. They include gender identity, gender expression, biological gender, sexual attraction and romantic attraction. So we filled it out. While I thought I wasn’t completely sure about my feelings, it became crystal clear when it was all there on the whiteboard. I nearly broke out in tears once I saw how far apart my current view and preferences are. But it was correct and I am sure about that. The only part that I have some doubt about is my sexual attraction. Based on this graphic, we decided we’ll be working on gender expression first. I think that will be the best starting point because that’s been the most difficult for me. I’m not entirely sure how we’ll be working on it but we’ll see soon enough. One might ask, why not start with the biological part first? Well I’m in a trajectory and that will be the end goal while we slowly work towards fully discovering and transitioning me without medical stuff.
Oh and the “I think” counter went up to 3, which isn’t terrible.
Wednesday, 27 March 2024
Today we started with the directional practitioner discussing their role in my process.
Basically they are there to make my life easier.
Activities include keeping track of progress through evaluations, as well as doing all the insurance related things.
The family situation was also discussed again as there wasn’t really a plan set up. We agreed that we shouldn’t push it away to focus on later, but do some gradual probing to figure out how to come out to my parents and what I want to tell them. This way that process should be a bit more streamlined.
After the DP left, me and my psychologist discussed the homework that I got the last appointment: keeping track of how I think I’m expressing myself across a certain period.
I did some extra as I kept track of three weeks instead of two weeks. This gave some better insight in my expression.
While I had drawn it all on my laptop, we also copied it onto a whiteboard and highlighted some outliers and the median, then discussed why the outliers are there and why the median is where it is.
Long story short: I try to match people’s expectations and I should do that less and be myself more.
“I think” counter ended at 2 this time. It’s getting much better!
Thursday, 11 April 2024
Today’s appointment was uneventful. We went over how I present myself, how it is currently and how I would like to see it. For the most part I’m already where I want to be.
The most notable changes are in clothing and voice. Also in movement, I am rather stiff currently, but I wish to be more like I am today, which is difficult to define.
I guess more girly? I am making jumps in progress though. I finally have my first set of feminine clothes, I’m wearing the purple top today, sadly no skirt because the weather is awful.
I got to choose my homework. I will not be working on fashion for now, but instead I will be performing some research on voice training. I was given the recommendation to do voice training only with a professional because I might teach myself things that do more harm than good, but research is a good start. So I will definitely be doing that.
The “I think” counter went up to 6 today. Bad me…
Thursday, 25 April 2024
So today the weather was awful. And I for some reason read the time wrong when I left the house because I was an hour early… So I decided to explore Gouda. Never again.
Anyways, today we discussed my current progress in The Transitioning. Most notable points are that I have become more elegant and feminine in my speech (not voice though, but that will happen soon),
I use more hand movements, I try to dress more feminine because I like that and because of all that and more, my cocoon is bursting, yet I still try to hide inside,
which is becoming more impossible with every euphoric moment that I experience when I show off the real me.
The little voices in my head (saying things like “what if others won’t accept you” and “what if you’re gaslighting yourself”) were also brought up and today I learnt that those are completely natural,
because it’s all new things and those can be scary, but your body tries to make you run away from that. Those are getting quieter though.
I was asked why I haven’t come out in places because I do seem to really enjoy being me. Honestly, there was no valid answer to that question, aside from one small thing. I broke down when my dad was brought up again but after some talking and rational thinking, we found that, although he gives off a “massive transphobe” vibe, he would probably accept me for what I am because of the super strong bond we have. And if he can do that, why not literally anyone else?
Finally, we wrote down the groups of people where I have yet to come out, since that is the main showstopper for me to be able to properly be me. Based on that, I asked for help with creating a plan for my coming out at work, since that seems to be a safe place to start. I however do not know what to tell everyone or when to tell them so that’s what we’ll be working on next time.
We forgot to keep track of the "I think" counter...
Tuesday, 7 May 2024
Meeting was online with one of my psychologists. It went alright, although I hate how un-personal it is.
Halfway through my dad stepped into the room, quickly alt tabbed away. Why though… Stop hiding it you stupid girl!
Anyways, we went through plans for my coming out. Not much to say about to be honest. Also I’ll be sent some questionnaires for diagnostics.
At least I learnt that I very much prefer physical meetings over online. It doesn’t help that it feels rather unsafe here at home. Oh well next time will be physical again.
Thursday, 23 May 2024
First off, I want to say that I really did not like writing this one.
Today was the last consult with the intern, which made me a little sad because I liked her a lot and I just about started to remember her name.
Anyway, we discussed the delays I’m creating surrounding my coming out; everything has been prepared by now, I just need to DO IT.
While it’s very scary, we planned to do it next week. But at this point, I am starting to doubt myself, a lot.
We discussed the results of the questionnaires I filled out for diagnostics. Apparently I managed to contradict the things I say in the sessions. And not just on one subject, no I managed to contradict myself on most of the subjects. I asked some questions about a few terms that were thrown around on the list with my results. After explanations about some things I sat there in absolute confusion as they also explained that I filled in the questions in such a way that I seem like a perfectly functional person with great coping skills who seems to be really happy with themselves and their surroundings. I mean, I’m speechless sometimes, but this time I also had thoughts rushing through my head. Most notably is the little voice that says “are you gaslighting yourself?” got really darn loud out of a sudden. I gave some comments and told them that I might have skewed the results because I had a really damn good day when I filled the questionnaires out. I am not sure how much of that is true, but having the song “Fake” from I Prevail permanently stuck in my head does not help much with my thinking at the moment. Anyway, we decided that I will be filling them out again to see if I can relate to the results more next time.
I did two "I thinks".
Thursday, 13 June 2024
This was the first consult without the intern. Me and my psychologist agreed that it was a bummer, but that’s how things go.
So, after the second time filling in the questionnaires, we looked over those again. This time, the results were a lot more in line with how I feel.
We went over the entire thing, clarifying and correcting things where it was required.
I also mentioned that this weekend, on fathers day (June 16th 2024), I will be gifting my dad a mug that says “Dad, thanks for teaching me how to be a man, even though I’m your daughter <3”. I’m not kidding, that is going to be my coming out to the family. My psychologist was speechless and appeared to be quite impressed by my idea. I was going to roll with it anyway, regardless of what anyone thinks of it.
Now I believe this session marks the end of the discovery phase, since my psychologist said that we’re going to get into the informative phase next consult, but I’m not 100% sure if that also means ending the discovery phase.
Oh and besides zero “I think” occurrences, I did say “realistic” about 15 times… Oops.
Thursday, 4 July 2024
Today we first discussed my disappointing coming out to my parents.
Why disappointing? Well because they don’t seem to realise it.
My psychologist suggested that might be because they are processing what I told them (with accompanying mug).
After that I was asked what next step we should talk about (speech therapy, HRT and surgeries). I explained for each point how high the priority is and eventually landed on HRT. We discussed the various ways of dosing, a little bit of biochemistry and what it’ll do and won’t do.
I did have to choose someone who can babble about my development a little bit. Parents were ruled out because they don’t seem to realize I’m trans. Family doesn’t know, so the only ones left were the few friends that I have. And from those there was only one who I know for more than 5 years, so he will be with the next consult. If all goes well, I will be put on the waitlist for HRT. The waitlist at my local hospital is 5 months. It would be very funny if it will be my turn on December 21st, exactly one year after The Transitioning begun. Ah, that friend just confirmed he’ll be free for the day. Guess I’ll be back here in two weeks.
I had zero "I think" occurrences. Yippee!
Wednesday, 17 July 2024
Today I took one of my mates with me, so he could answer some questions from the psychologist.
I had to pick him up from The Hague, while nearly every route I had to take to get there was under maintenance.
The tram to the train station was also delayed but the train sadly was not, so we were almost late because we had to take a later train.
Thankfully, through some sort of miracle we got to the psychologist in time though.
The questions that were asked were related to my evolution through the past 5 years, how we met, my coming out and some other things. It was nothing special, actually it was rather short, but that doesn’t seem to be a problem. We shared some new, weird words too, for example when the question “what was she like in the beginning” was asked, my addition to my friends answer was “I’d say, like a warm rock”.
Apparently this was the last step before my second opinion by a psychiatrist. So now a report will be made and we’ll be discussing that in two weeks, before it’ll be reviewed by the team of the psychologists and then sent over to a psychiatrist, who I will also be invited to. This will likely be in September or October. After that I will most likely be referred for HRT.
Wednesday, 31 July 2024
Today, the appointment was online. We went over the last tiny bit of missing information and then I got to read the transition report that will be sent to the psychiatrist for evaluation.
It was nothing special, basically a more detailed version of what you see above, along with some side details.
It was full of spelling mistakes that I all fished out, but aside from that I agreed to the report.
Next appointment is in a month and the frequency will change from every two weeks to once every six weeks.
Thursday, 29 August 2024
For completeness' sake, yes. We basically went over what I do and don’t want, again. That’s it.
This was the last session with this psychologist, sadly, but we did have a great time and I was assured that it’ll be just as enjoyable with the next one.
No, it is not usual that you get transferred, by the way.
I also got to dump my feedback of the process so far and I didn’t have many complaints.
Now with that out the way, I want some ice cream because it’s stupid hot. Yeah 24c is hot to me now after having gotten used to 15c average temps.
Friday, 13 September 2024
This is a major point in this whole process, because it's basically a go/no-go test before I can get anything medical or legal done. It's quite exciting that I'm at this point now!
My psychologist gave me the wrong time, in his email he said 9.45 but it was supposed to be 8.45. Thankfully that was not a problem, so we could have the conversation just fine.
I just wanna start off with saying the psychiatrist was super harsh, basically criticising my every decision regarding my transitioning.
What if you get super depressed, because feminising HRT brings out your more emotional side? (Okay I currently don’t have an emotional side so #lifegoals.)
What if you want children from your own genes? (I don’t and I never will. If I want children, I can adopt.)
What if you’re not happy with the changes? (I doubt that’ll happen. Statistically spoken at least.)
What about the fact that your life will become super difficult? (It’s too easy, I want hardcore mode.)
After about half an hour he gave up and said “it seems to me that you’re a rational thinker and informed yourself very well on the fact,
so I fully support you and I will make a referral letter for HRT”. WAAA THAT’S AMAZING NEWS!!!
So now we wait for the hormone doctor to call.
Oh yeah I got misgendered twice by this guy. Hope I never see him again if I’m being brutally honest.
On September 16th of 2024 I got a letter to sign to give my approval for information exchange between my psychologist and the hospital.
I signed it, which basically puts me on the waitlist for HRT.
So I guess now is time to play the waiting game.
The waiting game didn't last very long. I got a letter from the hospital on September 25th of 2024.
It contains 3 appointments on November 14th of 2024 nope, November 13th of 2024: one for patient registration, one for some bloodwork things and one for the "TG unit".
Supposedly they are going to give some more details about HRT and I would get a call the week after if everything's okay.
So if all goes well, I should be on HRT before Christmas!